It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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