I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
