you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
