Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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