Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
