Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
