mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
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