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3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
