she woke up with a sticky ear
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
