Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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