So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
