she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Randomize
