her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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