His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
