thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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