Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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