Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Randomize
