i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
