Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
