But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
