I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
