in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
