I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
