Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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