I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
