my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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