Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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