I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
