Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
