Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
high people should be assigned attendants
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Terrible idea I love it
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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