i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
