You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
