I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
