Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
