Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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