What did we do last night that was yellow?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
