Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
