Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
