your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
