You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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