I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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