dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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