I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
