I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
