Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
