If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
