insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
