I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
i believe in u and ur pee
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
