I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Randomize
