thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
