Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
